Finally!
After months of negotiations and more suspense than a Steig Larsson sequel, the story can finally be broken – Apple will seek to break into the car market using bargain basement technology on offer under duress in Trollhattan, Sweden.
Apple is going to buy what used to be Saab Automobile from National Electric Vehicle Sweden (NEVS) in a deal that is set to shock both the electronics and vehicle industries.
Speaking exclusively, Apple CEO, Tim Kook said the following today:
There’s been a lot of speculation about Apple moving into this area and we can finally confirm that it’s all true. We see the automobile as the next step for human connectedness. For example, we think the work Volvo and other companies have done on connected safety systems is extremely interesting. But we also think there’s room for more innovation. We intend to accelerate that process. And then apply automatic braking, of course.
Addressing rumours that it was an Asian buyer that was negotiating to take a controlling stake in NEVS’s operations:
It’s true that we’re not an Asian company BUT we do make most of our products there so the ruse was only half-baked. As many people know, I can’t break wind without it being front page news so we decided to take this circuitous route and surprise the market.
Surprise!
I’d like to thank Mahindra for negotiating on Apple’s behalf. As a thankyou, we’ve also bought Mahindra, which will henceforth be known as i-Mahindra. All their trucks will be painted white in the future and will feature no hard edges.
So what will Apple build with its newly purchased car company?
Whatever Google’s building, really. Just slightly better. We’ll make it function a little smoother and of course, it’ll look much nicer. It’ll be electric. It’ll be a car. It might just be an electric car, but with an Apple twist.
For example, we are working on technology that will allow us to use a touch-windscreen. If you don’t like the street you’re on, simply swipe and you’ll be on the street to the left or the right.
Saab owners have been babbling on about how Saab and Apple are so alike for years and years. “Think Different” and all that. We think it’s true, except for the fact that Saab is broke and Apple has more money than God (who, incidentally, is just one of the deities we’re in negotiations with at the moment. Watch this space).
Regardless, we thought it was about time we join our minimalist design principals with a Swedish company and Saab was an ideal choice because it was available and it was cheap. We would have picked Ikea but I really hate building the stuff. And if I see another Billy bookcase I think I’m going to puke!
Kook confirmed that the vehicle will be called an i-Saab.
We had some trouble negotiating with Saab AB, the defence company that controls the use of the Saab name. So we bought them, too. Problem solved!
The re-named iGripen fighters will all be painted white later this year and have all hard edges removed. The Russki’s won’t see a single one of them in winter.
And how has this news been received in other areas of Apple’s business?
Jony Ive’s been itching to design something more interesting than the same old rectangle he’s been trotting out for years and just wouldn’t shut up about it. This acquisition should keep him and his hipster mates happy for five minutes.
Maybe.
Happy April 1st to all of you 🙂