5 things I wish I’d seen at the London Olympics closing ceremony

Congratulations to all you Brits on a wonderful Olympiad. I was addicted. In fact, the games made me so tired that I thought some of these were actually humorous.

We got the Spice Girls, and the rather ludicrous sight of a bunch of former druggie musicians and models at an event that was supposed to be clean and inspiring. There were a few things we didn’t get, however, so here’s my list – Five things I wish I’d seen at the London Olympics Closing Ceremony.

1 – A more prominent Royal.

Prince Henry of Wales, as he’s officially known, presided over the closing ceremony last night. Harry, as he’s more widely known, is third in line to the throne. If you count the incumbent, he’s actually the fourth who can claim the crown. That doesn’t even get him a Royal Bronze.

And what if Harry had been busy last night like his Royal Gran, his Dad and brother? He’s only two spots ahead of that lass with the truly awful hat and I’m sure Prince Andrew would have gladly stepped aside, if only to see the crazy outfit she’d come up with, just for a laugh.

And finally, the Duchess of Cambridge was at the closing ceremony, so where was William, exactly?


2 – Some Tea

Forget your cultural icons, your fashion and what not. What the closing ceremony needed, at least once, was a good strong cup of tea.

Surely that’s more British than that Greek toilet loiterer they had on?


3 – A wall/walk of shame

My own suggestion for reducing the cheating that goes on at these meets – show the names and pictures of disgraced competitors who were eliminated for cheating. Better still, walk them through the auditorium!

Drug cheats first and tanking badminton players second. Those who false-start at running races can be exempt because that rule’s pretty harsh already.

You might think it slightly distasteful, but try telling me you wouldn’t watch it! And try telling me the thought of being paraded around in disgrace in front of your law-abiding peers and a TV audience of more than 1 billion wouldn’t make a few dodgy athletes think twice about playing up.


4 – A per-GDP medal tally.

Everyone knows that Olympic success doesn’t just come down to natural talent.

How do you think China went from ZERO swimming medals in 2000 to TEN swimming medals this year, including 5 gold? They didn’t grow those swimmers on trees. They spent money – bundles of it – on high performance coaching (much of it in Brisbane, Australia, in fact).

If you re-count the medal tally according to national GDP per capita, you get to see those countries really punching above their weight. The ones doing it against the odds, essentially on raw talent and little else. Looking at things that way, the big winner from the games was actually Ethiopia, followed by China in second (OK, that might be an exception given the money they’ve got access to) and then Naughty Korea!


5 – Iron Maiden!!!

We got the Sex Pistols in the opening ceremony (audio, at least). How could they have a British musical exposition during the closing ceremony without featuring The Irons?

I kept hoping, but as things drew nearer and nearer to a close, when all I wanted was Bruce Dickinson singing “Two Minutes to Midnight”, all I got was some old geezer singing the theme from CSI.

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  1. One could argue that Beatrice should be there instead of Harry, because at least she’s got a royal Dad 😉

  2. To be fair William was probably at his day job, and Harry is fairly popular here. Maiden would have rocked but been a wee bit off the target audience in the stadium….

    For my money we missed the mighty Quo and Chas and Dave on the night.

    1. The view from Australia was much different. We’re grinding our teeth big time over our lacklustre performance, especially in the pool. There’s all sort of blame-throwing going on down here and the most common targets are various people (both athletes and non), funding models, and social media.

      The last one’s an interesting one for me, of course, and a two-week ban during future events proposed by one particular coach shows that he hasn’t got even the slightest idea of how it works, nor how much it could effect an athletes state of mind.

      1. I very nearly gagged at the American broadcast segment featuring Matthew Mitcham. Sickly sweet, almost as if he’d been the lone survivor of a rare disease and had triumphed over certain death.

        And then he couldn’t qualify for the finals.

        I wasn’t happy.

  3. Ouch!

    Will settle for better than NZ, though they seem to be getting gold even after the closing ceremony. Eeeek!

  4. The Chinese swimmers may have passed the drug test but the international sporting community must still be vigilant.

    Right at the outset there has been suggestion that their gold medalist has been genetically modified. No wonder she passed the drug test: with genetic modification, she didn’t need to take performance enhancing drug at all. She might have some genes from fast-swimming dolphin added to her, amidst the opaque nature of many things happening in China such as its biological research.

    There must be mandatory DNA test on all athletes, to ascertain if they are 100% human.

  5. There’s some good news for Australia in this table. It’s a statistical analysis based on population and GDP. Australia got 10 more medals than they should have done…..

  6. Love the flame / teapot photoshop… That would have been spectacular, and very British 😀

  7. Sounds like you wrote this while on your performance enhancing drug of choice….Coca Cola!

    Nice photoshop work by the way!