Finally!
After months of negotiations and more suspense than a Steig Larsson sequel, the story can finally be broken – Apple will seek to break into the car market using bargain basement technology on offer under duress in Trollhattan, Sweden.
Apple is going to buy what used to be Saab Automobile from National Electric Vehicle Sweden (NEVS) in a deal that is set to shock both the electronics and vehicle industries.
Speaking exclusively, Apple CEO, Tim Kook said the following today:
There’s been a lot of speculation about Apple moving into this area and we can finally confirm that it’s all true. We see the automobile as the next step for human connectedness. For example, we think the work Volvo and other companies have done on connected safety systems is extremely interesting. But we also think there’s room for more innovation. We intend to accelerate that process. And then apply automatic braking, of course.
Addressing rumours that it was an Asian buyer that was negotiating to take a controlling stake in NEVS’s operations:
It’s true that we’re not an Asian company BUT we do make most of our products there so the ruse was only half-baked. As many people know, I can’t break wind without it being front page news so we decided to take this circuitous route and surprise the market.
Surprise!
I’d like to thank Mahindra for negotiating on Apple’s behalf. As a thankyou, we’ve also bought Mahindra, which will henceforth be known as i-Mahindra. All their trucks will be painted white in the future and will feature no hard edges.
So what will Apple build with its newly purchased car company?
Whatever Google’s building, really. Just slightly better. We’ll make it function a little smoother and of course, it’ll look much nicer. It’ll be electric. It’ll be a car. It might just be an electric car, but with an Apple twist.
For example, we are working on technology that will allow us to use a touch-windscreen. If you don’t like the street you’re on, simply swipe and you’ll be on the street to the left or the right.
Saab owners have been babbling on about how Saab and Apple are so alike for years and years. “Think Different” and all that. We think it’s true, except for the fact that Saab is broke and Apple has more money than God (who, incidentally, is just one of the deities we’re in negotiations with at the moment. Watch this space).
Regardless, we thought it was about time we join our minimalist design principals with a Swedish company and Saab was an ideal choice because it was available and it was cheap. We would have picked Ikea but I really hate building the stuff. And if I see another Billy bookcase I think I’m going to puke!
Kook confirmed that the vehicle will be called an i-Saab.
We had some trouble negotiating with Saab AB, the defence company that controls the use of the Saab name. So we bought them, too. Problem solved!
The re-named iGripen fighters will all be painted white later this year and have all hard edges removed. The Russki’s won’t see a single one of them in winter.
And how has this news been received in other areas of Apple’s business?
Jony Ive’s been itching to design something more interesting than the same old rectangle he’s been trotting out for years and just wouldn’t shut up about it. This acquisition should keep him and his hipster mates happy for five minutes.
Maybe.
Happy April 1st to all of you 🙂
Swade, you really understand that a good April Fool joke is one that reads like truth you want to hear. If only it were so!!! Well done.
Time for a wide grin indeed. Thanks Swade! Even for tbose of us still stuck on March 31 while the world revolves.
That’s the beauty of being on this side of the international date line 🙂
Certainly knocked the sharp edges off my day!
Very kooky. Excellent
Swade, love it, so smooth,
Very funny!
Love this April joke
Brilliant! : )
Swade, I’ve almost believed it. 🙂
We have still 4 hours here until April 1.
In theme with Apple branding themes, the Saab 900i to be relaunched as the i900
Would somebody in the automotive journalism industry please hire Swade? Or maybe The Onion. His talents are wasted crunching numbers – or whatever the hell it is you do Mate.
Steve, You made my day for five minutes….I was jumping up and down….ran in to tell my wife to buy more Apple stock….and then you pulled the rug out and ruined it..
You’re welcome, Hugh 🙂
Richard Scary is the coolest illustrator of children’s books ever.
+1 – totally agree – you never know where Lowly Worm is going to turn up next!
My heart skipped a beat until I realized it was my wife’s birthday – AKA April Fool’s Day. 🙂
The issue with the iSaab is that it will need its own iGas stations as most likely it will not be compatible with existing Ges stations.
That or the iSaab will come with its own hose and nozzle so you can use that instead of the standard one at the gas station.
Oh… And you will need to replace your iSaab if the windshield is cracked, apple won’t fix it. Same with flat battery, worn windscreen wipers, old tyres,……
But on the plus side, they plan to sell millions !
2T
😀 — I’m waiting for the iSonnett, an iPod on wheels. I read that they would replacing Saab’s iConic “9” with the lower case “i”, so that’ll be i5’s all round.
Brilliant! I must admit it did me at the beginning as I was reading it during a bleary eyed night feed….
DAMN April 1st! %&%#&/#”¤#””
*snort*
Cruel Steven, very cruel …..I believed it for a few moments….!!
It’s impressive that the new Apple electric car can be recharged through a single USB-C port in less than an hour.
Just goes to show how truly desperate that some of us have become, actually believing this was even remotely true…and yes, I too made a loud pronouncement to the family. Should have stopped to read on a bit further than the first few paragraphs! Hook, Line and Sinker!!
Almost as memorable as the classic “fake BMW” ruse from the early nineties. Full page ads in the Age, Is your roundel badge backwards? Which way do the wipers really sweep? Did you ever notice that in the first place. (Many suffragettes seen rapidly running outside to check said badges….) …very funny.
Well played, Swade. Well played!
Brilliant piece Swade. I had just read an article on Bloomberg about Apple and Googke getting into electric cars. Had me for a minute !!
I’m quite impressed with your design talents Swade – the mockup iSAAB looks remarkably slick!
I’ll admit, reading this on April 2, and enjoying playing these sorts of jokes myself, the title alone gave it away for me… but I had to click through to see what you would write! Great stuff! I always enjoy your blog.
Now, maybe you should forward a link to this (along with perhaps a business proposal) to Apple to make it a reality? Your persuasive power has worked in the past!
(Not that I am much of an Apple fan, but hey, they have $$… actually, you mention Ikea… they could buy SAAB and sell them as flat packs that you assemble yourself at home with an allen key…)
I do not drink the apple coolaid, so you had me, but I was pissed that it was Apple. You had me….well done Swade.
Priceless! And they could actually do it, including buying Saab AB and Mahindra. In fact, I have been hoping for this take over of NEVS to come true even before the Apple car rumors started. (initially, I thought of a show case car for Apple CarPlay)